Memory Lane

I walk alone down memory lane to the water’s edge, I let my tears fall, melting into the sea below, never to return to me. Alone in grief I remember – remember childhood, remember days I wish were forgotten….but to forget them is to forget you. And although the pain is unbearable, almost as unbearable as this grief, I ache to remember it all – the pain, the tears…. because mixed in those moments of time were small moments of love – although twisted and strange, it was there. I grasp to hold on to those moments because I need to let go. It’s strange to imagine needing to hold on to something to let go…. but, it’s like our relationship always was – never quite normal or predictable. I know you must have loved me in your own way, but your love only hurt me, pushing me away. Now that you’re gone I sit in silent solace, left to dry my own tears, as I did so often while you were alive. I search for the closure I thought your passing would bring, but instead I’m left with a deepening hollow inside me that grows with every passing second. I’ll never understand you – I’ll never understand why – all I can do is wave my hand and say goodbye. Goodbye to my childhood, goodbye to the past, goodbye to the moments we never truly had. And now I must leave you down on memory lane – a path now dark and lonely, scattered with forgotten moments of a little girl’s dreams. I hope to find closure as I let you go, for this path I journey I cannot look back, for if I do, I may crack.

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