Memory Lane

I walk alone down memory lane to the water’s edge. I let my tears fall, melting into the sea below, never to return to me. Alone in grief I remember – remember childhood, remember days I wish were forgotten… but to forget them is to forget you. And although the pain is unbearable (almost as unbearable as this grief), I ache to remember it all – the pain, the tears… because mixed in those moments of time were small moments of love… although twisted and strange – it was there. I grasp to hold on to those moments because I need to let go. It’s strange to imagine needing to hold on to something to let go… but it’s like our relationship always was – never quite normal or predictable. I know you must have loved me in your own way, but your love only hurt me, pushing me away. Now that you’re gone I sit in silent solace – left to dry my own tears, as I did so often while you were alive. I search for the closure I thought your passing would bring, but instead I’m left with a deepening hollow inside me that grows with every passing second. I’ll never understand you and I’ll never understand why, all I can do is wave my hand and say goodbye. Goodbye to my childhood, goodbye to the past, goodbye to the moments we never truly had. And now I must leave you down on memory lane… a path now dark and lonely, scattered with forgotten moments of a little girl’s dreams. I hope to find closure as I let you go… for this path I journey I cannot look back, for if I do, I may crack.

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Mini blueberry muffins

It’s the littlest things that remind me of you, mom. Just walking through a store and seeing something as random as mini blueberry muffins and I’m instantly taken back to my childhood – my time with you. I smiled as I stood there in the aisle, with tears welling up in my eyes. I reached out and touched that box of mini muffins, as if touching that box would connect me to you somehow. I wanted to sit down with you over mini muffins and coffee and talk about life, love, and the mindless things like the weather. But I knew I couldn’t, and as I slowly pulled my hand away from that box of mini muffins realization settled back in. You are gone, though the memories are still so fresh in my mind. And as I left that aisle, as crazy as it seems, I felt I was leaving you behind…. only to be reminded of you in those bittersweet moments that creep up out of nowhere, like today. Don’t get me wrong, I think of you often, but these particular moments – those random don’t mean anything to anyone else moments, like mini blueberry muffins…well, those hurt much more. They stir something deeper inside me – that little girl who needs her mommy even though I’m a grown woman. Those moments make the world stop spinning for a brief time and I’m left in the silence of my own memories. I know I’m just rambling on, but I miss you. I miss you so very much. I guess I should let you go now. It felt so nice to talk with you again, even though it’s really just a one-sided conversation. It’s more to help my heart hurt a little less. Say hi to grandma for me. I miss her very much too.

Love,

Your little girl